A Stumble Down Memory Lane

Sometimes I feel as though I am wandering a city with no destination. I lose focus, misplace my map and unconsciously allow my heart to wander the streets of this once familiar city where it now does not belong. Like the child you momentarily leave unattended, it strays, losing itself in the happiness of the bright, sparkly thing you forgot to put back in the box it now calls home. I try every street, walk down every avenue, circle every court and yet still, I find myself pondering if there is any path you will not follow me. I stumble down the forbidden memory lane; dragged by my heart to a place that once shined brighter than the sun but today steals the breath from my lungs until I can no longer breathe my own air.

It is the time capsule you can only bury so deep before the past resurfaces again. I dare myself to open the lid, to let the past flood over me like an unwelcome rainstorm, bringing with it the imminent danger of drowning. I swim through the rivers of the times you told me you loved me & would never let me go, and I suffocate in the waves of the reality that you did just that.

I play with the fire that is your memory, wondering how many matches I can light next to my heart before I catch fire and get burnt once again. I wonder where the ashes of my identity would carry me this time, and whether it is a destination I would ever choose to visit on my own. I wonder if these unwanted jaunts down memory lane are a choice of if, or simply a matter of when. I wonder if I truly want them to end or whether this too, like everything else about you, is simply my illusion.